All alone

Stil om hvordan det er å føle seg alene.

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When I started at Kent City High School, I thought I could get a new start. My hope was that this time I would make new friends and feel accepted by my classmates. I wouldn’t exactly say I was an outsider at my old school, I just didn’t fit in with the others. I think that was the reason why I was kind of happy when my father told me that we had to move to Kent City because of his new job.

My first day at Kent City High crushed all my hopes. To be honest, it was horrible. Everybody knew each other and didn’t seem interested in getting to know a total stranger. I really did my best and tried to talk to my classmates, but it just didn’t work out. Nobody seemed to notice me. They already had friends that they were pleased with, and they didn’t even try to speak to me.

When I came home after my first day of school, I broke out in tears. Secretly, though, because I didn’t want my parents to find out that I wasn’t able to make new friends. So when my mother asked me what my first day had been like, I simply said: “Fine. I got to know a few people who seem nice enough”. I don’t know why I lied to my mother about this, I guess that was the easiest thing to do at the moment.

I told myself that day two at my new school had to better than day one. Well, I was wrong. It was worse, much worse. Nobody was interested in me. I wasn’t able to concentrate in class, I was busy thinking where to go during lunch time.

It’s incredible how people can just ignore others. I’ve been eating my lunch in the canteen every day now for a month, and yet nobody has asked me to join them. A couple of times I’ve tried to sit down with some of my classmates, but somehow they don’t seem willing to let me into their conversation. Nobody responds to what I say or answers my questions. They aren’t mean, or anything like that, but they take no interest in me, none whatsoever. Am I really sentenced to spending all the breaks for the next four years by myself?

It’s not so much that I’m afraid of being alone, but I hate the thought of everybody seeing what a failure I am. Therefore, I have decided that from now on I’m going to eat my lunch in the girls’ bathroom. Actually, it probably won’t make a difference, because they don’t seem to notice. It seems like I’m invisible.

What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anybody want me as their friend? Is it because of something I’ve said or done? Is there something wrong with the way I look or the way I dress? I have no self-confidence anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if being teased and bullied is better than simply being ignored. I don’t think people realize how horrible it is to experience that nobody cares about you or knows who you are. It is extremely depressing to go through the same corridors every single day without one person saying “hi” to you. Well, I know how it is, and I can tell you; it’s worse than you can imagine. In fact, I don’t know for how long I can stand this. I don’t know if I can take it much longer.

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