This was it. There was no return. I felt the small pill with the big effect in my hand. It wasn’t heavy, just a couple of gram’s. I looked at Ally’s hyper face, she was already high. “Eat it!” she laughed. I lifted my hand up to my mouth, opened my hand and dropped the smiley-face pill down my throat. Suddenly everything around me just exploded. I was the master over everything! It felt like I was jumping down from the sky. Everything was wonderful, all my worries were gone. I could feel heaven.

Her hands are the first thing I notice. Some sick combination of light blue and white. She’s lying flat on her stomach, her arms spread out. Like she thought she was flying or something. I’m afraid of her dead body, even though I know it’s Ally, my best friend. Oh God, I wish someone else had found her but me! Someone who had known what to do!

I can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. How am I supposed to continue my life without her? Ally was the strong one of us. Whenever I felt down, she would be there for me. She would be the one to get me up, to make me face the world again.

I have known that girl since we were about two years old. I thought nothing she’d do would surprise me anymore. But now she has. In the worst possible way. It’ll never be Ally and Hel anymore. It will from now on be just Hel. I have lost half of me. We were one. And now life’s never going to be the same again.

They’ve taken her body away. I’m alone in this smelly place. Do you know what it smells like? Ever smelt death? It smells rotten and sick. There is no joy left in my body, only pain and sorrow. I’m so confused and sad, she’s gone! I wonder if I’m ever going to get away from this bathroom. This is the place where Ally chose to die. I can feel a warm tear on my cheek. I don’t bother wiping it away.

I’m lying on my bed. I have this sad feeling that I’ll never be happy again, I miss her so much it hurts. I don’t have any tears left, my eyes are swollen and my pillow is wet. In this room we’ve had so many pillow fights and pajamas parties, so many good times. I wish we were back in those days, but we’re not. Just want to stay here in my bed and pretend that everything is like it should be, and used to be.

Ally died of drugs, I thought she had control! That we had control. She used ecstasy, headache pills and vodka. But I did too! And I’m still alive. I wish that it had been me. How am I going to survive without Ally? I’m messed up inside, I feel guilty. She meant the world to me. Please, someone, take me away!

It's silent inside the church, it's my best friend's funeral today. It could have been mine. Suddenly I feel this relief inside me. An angel has left this world and joined a better one. I know I will meet her again some day. I love you Ally.