I open my eyes

I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light

I can't remember how

I can't remember why

I'm lying here tonight

Where am I ? What just happened ? There is chaos all around me. It’s dark, but there are so many people here. What are they doing ? What do they want ? How did I get here ? There are so many questions spinning around in my head. I can’t remember anything before this mess, and it’s starting to freak me out. Flashing lights in the darkness. I’m lying on something hard, and a light is blending me so I can’t really see straight. I blink a couple of times, but my vision only gets more blurry. Where are the people I know ? Mum and dad, where are they ?       

And I can't stand the pain

And I can't make it go away

No, I can't stand the pain

Pain. Pain, and lots of it, suddenly comes crashing down on me. Why does it hurt so much ? What did I do ? My head hurts. It feels like my veins are on the verge of exploding. My legs feel like they’ve been squashed. My back feels weird, and it hurts too. What did I do to deserve this ? What the hell is going on ?

How could this happen to me ?

I've made my mistakes

Got nowhere to run

The night goes on

As I'm fading away

I'm sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me ?

I feel sick. I just want to get away from it all. I don’t want to feel like I’m trapped anymore. How long have I been sitting here ? I try to move, but I’m completely stuck. I can’t get away. Can’t get away from whatever is hurting me.

Everybody screaming,

I try to make a sound but no one hears me

I'm slipping off the edge

I'm hanging by a thread

I wanna start this over again

I hear faint sounds and voices. They are shouting, and sounding stressed, but I can’t make out any words. Movements around me. Someone is lifting me onto some sort of bed. “Ouch, don’t pull on me so hard ! I’m hurt, can’t you see ?” I want to say something, want to ask what’s going on. But I can’t make a sound. It’s like I’m paralyzed. I can’t move, I can’t speak. People are running around, and I’m hurting even more now. I’m so confused, and all I want to know is what’s happening. I try to say something again, but I can’t make out any words.

Someone puts something over my nose and mouth, and suddenly it is easier to breathe. I want to thank the person, because I don’t know how long I could have managed without the oxygen I’m now getting better access to. But I can’t thank him, and it’s starting to get annoying. Everything seems to go in slow motion, like in the movies. The rain is pouring down. Great, now I’m soaked too.

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered

And I can't explain what happened

And I can't erase the things that I've done

No I can't

I remember it now. I was driving home from the big party at Mathilda’s, and there was another car. It came so suddenly around the turn, on the wrong side of the road. My headlights shone on the bottle the driver was holding to his mouth. I know who he was. Patrick Cunningham. I had a huge crush on him, but he always failed to notice me. Not that he was rude to me or something, he just didn’t see me. As he drove towards me, I could see his red rimmed eyes, and his unfocused gaze. He was drunk, I could tell. Of course he’d been at the party too. But he had been drinking, and I hadn’t. I had been able to resist the pressure from the others. I hadn’t wanted anything to happen when I was gonna drive home.

How could this happen to me ?

I've made my mistakes

Got nowhere to run

The night goes on

As I'm fading away

I'm sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me ?

Patrick’s eyes widened in shock as he finally realized I was there. He threw the car to the side, his movements over exaggerated and not completely controlled. But then he almost drove off the road on the other side, and threw the car back again to straighten it up. But it was too much. I was so afraid. Panicked and scared, I didn’t think for long enough to do something about what was now bound to happen. I remember screaming in agony when he was right in front of me, his car mere inches apart from mine.

“CRASH !”

My headache is stronger now. My blood is pounding in my head, and I can feel myself slipping of the edge. “Is this it ?” I think, “Am I going to die now ? But I don’t want to die now !” There is so much I never got to do with my life. I am only eighteen. This has all happened way too fast. But I still feel myself fading away.

I force my eyes open one last time. I can hardly see anything, but I want to take one last look at this world. I stare blankly up at the paramedics standing over me, trying to save me. And behind them, I see Patrick. I just know it’s him. He looks tired and languid, talking to a police officer. He too is soaked and looking miserable, but he obviously got away with only a few cuts and bruises. My first thought is “How is that fair ? Why am I the one who has to suffer, what did I do wrong ?”  But then I think better of it, and decide to make my peace before it’s too late.

“I am not angry with Patrick. He could not help it,” I close my eyes one last time. “I forgive him. Dear Lord, forgive me all my sins. I forgive everyone who has ever done me wrong, and I apologize deeply to everyone I have done wrong. Mummy, please don’t cry for me. I died happy, and with a clear conscience. Daddy, please be strong. I will always be your little girl. I love you and mum, know that. And I know that both of you love me too. My last thoughts were of all the happy memories we share. I will come to a better place, and one day we shall be reunited. Don’t ever doubt that. Goodbye.”  A feeling of euphoria and bliss closes around me, as it all slips away. And with peace in mind, I take one last shivering breath, before drifting off into eternal sleep.

I've made my mistakes

I've got nowhere to run

The night goes on

As I'm fading away

I'm sick of this life

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me?